Knockin' on the door that isn't opening.

Photo by Christina Heaston Photography 

Photo by Christina Heaston Photography 

Happy Saturday!

So this morning I was journaling in my actual journal which holds all my secrets and thoughts, (don’t think about trying to steal it because my handwriting would literally not even be decipherable if you tried) and I was sorting out recent thoughts as I usually do. Last night I played at an open mic night in Nashville and a couple guys I was talking to had just moved here 4 days ago. When I told them that I’ve been here for almost 4 years now, their reaction was “Wow. You’ve been at this for awhile.” 

For a split second that made me feel old. Which is especially dumb because they were probably both 5 years older than me. When I moved here, I knew I’d have to work my butt off and even at that, there would never be a 100% guarantee that I’d be successful with my dreams in the way that I want. The facts only say that the chances are slim for many of my dreams. But of course I still came with high hopes that there would be a miracle and I’d be entirely rich and famous in no time. Because how else am I supposed to pay off my school loans?? But last night I was reminded for a minute that here I am, 4 years in, and I’m not rolling in the dough that I hoped I would be. 

And honestly at this point, some of my dreams in all parts of my life feel like a door that I’ve been knocking on for a very long time. And I have faith that these doors will be opened, because if I don’t, what’s the point in knocking? But I realized that I can’t imagine the day that those doors will actually open. And I think that’s what sometimes makes the dreams harder to chase after. We can see the end result, but we can’t realistically imagine how we will get there and the day when it begins to come true. That day always seems far off.

So this morning as I was sorting that all out, I had to think about why that was okay and also what that means for my future. I never want to be someone who is simply used to doing something so I just continue to do it without thinking about if it’s actually right for me to continue to pursuing it. I don’t want to continue making music just because I’m used to it. I don’t want to continue relationships because they feel safe if they don’t feel right. I don’t want to keep knocking on the wrong doors. But am I willing to sit and continue knocking on the doors that hold joy and bring life even if it’s hard to imagine the day that they will open?

And in my own personal thoughts today I decided that yeah, I think so. I think it’s worth knocking on those doors even if they take my whole life. I have to believe that even if they never actually open, that knocking on the right doors will bring enough joy and growth that it’s worth it. I don’t know what doors you feel like you’ve been knocking on for a long time, but if they feel like the doors that hold your dreams and your heart, I encourage you to keep knocking. And ditch the ones that you only knock on because it’s all you know and it feels safe somehow. They just aren’t worth pursuing. 

All this to say, I think our dreams and desires really mean something. If there’s one big thing that I stand strong on, it’s probably that we have the dreams in our heart for a reason. So keep it up because those days that you’ve been dreaming of for so long that they’ve become extremely hard to imagine, will happen. You’ll meet that man or that woman. You’ll get that dream job. You’ll start a family. You’ll forgive that person. Your wounds will be healed. You’ll write that song. Fresh life will be tasted. Just keep knocking. 

AM 

 

Luke 11:9-10